


Hi, Welcome To Chili's

by UnluckiestFridays



Series: Drabbles And One-Shots [4]
Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody, Vines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-10-16 07:39:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 2,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17545493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnluckiestFridays/pseuds/UnluckiestFridays
Summary: A bunch of one-shots where Team TARDIS re-enact famous Vines.A very poor attempt at humour, might I add.





	1. T-T-T-T-TARGET

The Doctor and her fam strolled leasurely along the pathway. It was dark out, but they didn't mind as they had a destination in mind- the TARDIS. They'd been out almost all day and (barring the Doctor) the humans were getting quite tired. They could just imagine themselves curled up in their warm beds on the Doc's ship with a cuppa and a book.

Currently, as they made their way to wherever they'd parked the TARDIS, they were somewhere in America. They'd been there because Ryan had claimed he'd always wanted to go (saying if there was anywhere he could've gone before travelling with the Doctor, it would be America). Initially the Doctor had made a noise of disgust and exclaimed 'America?!', but soon piped down when she saw Ryan's serious expression.

"Did I ever tell you about the time I met fish from space in Venice? In the _fifteen hundreds_?!" The Doctor asked her tired companions excitedly, not noticing their stifled yawns.

"Fish from space?" Graham repeated, half-interested. 

"Yeah! Rosanna wanted to make sink Venice so her also-fish children could live there, and repopulate!" The Doctor explained. 

"How can you sink an entire city?" Yaz asked incredulously.

"Oh, she was messin' with the atmosphere to make it rain loads which would've definitely successfully sunk Venice if I hadn't interfered," said the Doctor.

"Huh," Ryan nodded. 

Suddenly, the Doctor stopped, her eyes catching something. She stared, mouth agape. Her companions turned in the direction she was looking only to spot a store. _Target_ , to be exact. They didn't understand what was so interesting about it. It looked more run down than the other _Target's_ they'd passed during the day, what with the flickering sign, but other than that it was just another American store.

A widen grin spread across the Doctor's face and she spun around to face them, her arms spread wide so she was stood directly in front of the store and looked like she was presenting it to a large audience. 

"Ladies and gentlemen," she yelled loudly, causing her friends to groan, "welcome to _T-T-T-T-T-TARGEEEEET_!!!" With that, she pulled out a too-big-for-her-pocket airhorn and started pressing the button, making it blare loudly a few times before holding it and letting the sound draw out for a couple more seconds. Done, she put the horn back in her inner pocket and continued down the street with a grin on her face.

"How on Earth did you fit that airhorn in your pocket?" Graham asked, baffled. 


	2. AAAA

So, maybe it was a bad idea to bring the Doctor to _Target_ , Graham realised too late. 

Currently, she was trying to sneakily activate all the toys using her sonic screwdriver whilst also trying not to get caught. She was acting like a bad spy from a comedy movie. 

Graham sighed and took hold of her upper arm, guiding her away from the toys that were now whirring to life.

"Did I ever tell you about that time I got a job at a toy store?" The Doctor asked him. "They gave me a name tag with my name on it! In case I forget who I am. That happens sometimes."

"We know, Doc," Graham nodded, letting go of her arm and looking behind him to where Ryan and Yaz were gawping behind them at the toys.

They came down another aisle where there was a bunch of technology. Graham barely suppresed a heavy sigh when the Doctor rushed forward and started looking at it all.

"They have these in the future," the Doctor said, picking up what Graham could only describe as a cheap speaker. "Only they're a lot bigger and more expensive. And advanced. They can brush your teeth."

Graham didn't have to question that last part as the Doctor found somethint else that caught her attention. She reached forward and plucked three items off the shelf, and held them up to show him anf the other two. In her hand, she held some batteries. 

Graham frowned in confusion. What was so special about batteries?

Suddenly, the Doctor showed them the AA batteries and let out a quiet, "ahh."

Then she tossed them aside and showed the AAA ones, "aaaaah!" She said, louder than before. 

When she held out the AAAA batteries, Graham put a hand out to stop her, knowing what she intended to do now. "AAAAAAAAH!" She yelled. Graham put a hand to his forehead.

A  _Target_ employee came from ariund the corner and stared at them weirdly, "I'm going to have to ask you to leave, please." 


	3. You Have Been Stopped

To be honest, Ryan was curious. They'd known the Doctor for a few months now and it seemed the longer they knew her, the less they knew about her. For all the rambling she did, she never really said anything. Not about herself anyway. Ryan couldn't help but think she wasn't telling them anything because it wasn't a pleasant story.

As the Doctor ran around the console, Ryan gathered the courage to ask about where she came from.

"Hey, Doctor, where is it you come from?" He asked. 

"No off topic questions," she called to him, flipping a switch.

"What? Why?" Ryan questioned. 

"Because I don't want to answer," she told him.

"Bu-"

"No."

"But, Doctor, I just wanna ask-"

"Permission denied."

"But, I just wanna know where you come from."

"That's an off topic question."

"Doct-"

"Next."

"But-"

Suddenly she was in front of him, a custard cream in hand, pointed at his face, "you have been stopped."

And that signalled the end of the conversation.


	4. Aliens

From the console room, an unfamiliar noise made its way around and he was positive he could hear the X-Files music playing. Graham carried a cup of tea in his hands as he followed the noise.

When he reached the room, he had to rub his eyes just to be sure he was actually seeing what was in front of him. 

For some reason (God knows where she'd gotten it), a treadmill was placed in the console room and the Doctor was doing some version of a walk on it. It looked more like creeping than walking. 

"Doc?" Graham cautiously called out.

The Doctor startled, having not known he was there, and fell straight off the treadmill onto the floor.

"I can explain," was all she said.


	5. Annie, Are You Okay?

Loud music blared in the console room of the TARDIS whilst the Doctor, Ryan, and Yaz danced to it. Neither of them could dance, truthfully. But whatever the Doctor was currently doing, it was awful.

Still, that didn't stop them from having a good time and dancing with each other whilst singing along  _Sweet Dreams._ According to the Doctor, she'd actually helped put the song together with Eurythmics. It was hard to believe, but at the same time (if you knew the Doctor), it wasn't.

Suddenly, a certain song started playing that had the Doctor and Yaz gasping.  _Smooth Criminal_ by Michael Jackson. The Doctor started doing some version of a dance that she called the 'Drunk Giraffe'. It was by some miracle that Ryan and Yaz hadn't collapsed to the floor in tears.

"I did this at my best friends' wedding! The kids loved it," she explained, still doing the weird dance.

The Doctor then reached down into a hidden compartment on the TARDIS console and pulled out a silver cooking pot and wooden spoon. She started moving across the floor, hitting it in time with the drums on the song.

Yaz schooled her features to make her look serious, slipped in a white glove the TARDIS gave her, flipped her hair over to one side, and started viciously lip syncing the lyrics to  _Smooth Criminal_ with the Doctor pretending to play the drums in the background. 

At the sight of the pair, Ryan had hunched over with laughter, occasionally wiping tears from his face. As they contiued, he pulled out his phone (fixed by the Doctor after the spider incident) and recorded them so they could watch it later.

"Annie, are you okay? Will you tell us, are you okay?" Yaz lip synced, looking into Ryan's camera when she noticed it. 

On the phone screen, you could just see the Doctor passing by, pan under her arm and hitting it like a drum.


	6. Wow

Ryan was on Earth. He wasn't with the Doctor. He was with Yaz at a party. So, they were doing normal things. That was a start. 

He looked around, trying to spot sight of Yaz as she'd wandered off to get them drinks a few minutes ago.

As he looked around, he noticed a girl in front of him. She was wearing plain clothes and had blonde hair. Kind of pretty, Ryan mused.

Suddenly, Yaz plopped down beside him with two red cups for them. He took one and thanked her. His eyes drew back to the girl. She was now using her vape pen.

He watched as she inhaled then removed the pen from her lips, and blee out a large cloud of white smoke. Ryan grinned and turned to Yaz beside him, "wow," he simply said, his voice hitching.


	7. It's Not Gonna Work With That Kind Of-

The Doctor looked around her at the alien market she was on. She'd lost Ryan and Yaz a few minutes ago when they went to buy some stuff, but she still had Graham beside her. 

Hungry, she dipped a hand into her human  _Doritos_ bag and ate a triangle crisp. It was the original flavour- her favourite.

"Can I have one, Doc?" Graham asked and she turned to him with a grin. 

"Sure!" She said and offered the bag to him. 

"Cheers," he thanked and took a couple. 

As she was looking around, she noticed a stand selling some sort of technology. Without warning Graham, she ran straight to it and marvelled at all of the wonderful tech.

"Oo, I like that," she said, pointing out a device to Graham who was just coming up to her.

"What is it?" He asked. 

"Not sure. I want it," she decided with a grin. She looked up at the stall keeper, "I'll take this please," she told him. 

"Of course," he clicked, his pincers moving as he spoke. He picked up the object and placed it carefully in a brown, paper bag. He stamped it with something and handed it to the Doctor who took it gratefully. 

"Will you be paying by cash or... because we actually have a ship reader now," he said in his unusual accent.

"Oh, yeah?" The Doctor tried, taking one of her _Doritos_ out of its bag. 

"Wait," the stall keeper said, confused. 

The Doctor picked up the chip reader and placed the  _Dorito_ to it, pulling away when it let out a beep. Graham's eyes widened in suprise. 

"It's not gonna work with that kind of-" the stall keeper tried to say, but cut off when the card machine spoke.

"Transaction completed," it said. 

The stall keeper looked gobsmacked as the Doctor smiled at him and ate her snack. "Thanks, bye!" She waved and stalked away, Graham following behind and asking how she just did that.


	8. Road Work Ahead

Yaz was in the car with Sonya, driving her sister to her friend's house. Sonya could've just got the bus or walked, but Yaz was too nice (despite her sister being a complete bitch and trying to get her to move out).

As Yaz was driving, she saw a sign coming up to them.

"Road work ahead?" She read it aloud. Then scoffed, "uh, yeah, I sure hope it does."

Sonya looked at her in disbelief.


	9. Chapter Nine

Yaz and Graham looked up at the tree the Doctor was in. She had her sonic screwdriver in hand and was dancing.

She was supposed to be fixing the locals' power, but was having too much fun up there and had ended up singing and swinging her sonic about in a form of a dance.

Ryan was singing along with her, knowing rhe song she was singing and actually kind of liking it. He pulled out his phone, wanting to capture it on camera as it wssn't everyday one could go somewhere with the Doctor and not almost get killed. 

As the Doctor swirled her sonic about, her arm reached forward and the tool accidentally touched the power line. 

"Ah!" The Doctor exclaimed when, as a result, she was electrocuted. She let go of the sonic and pulled her arm back in shock.

It was over quite quickly and the Doctor pushed her blonde hair back as it had fallen in her eyes. Ryan had a hand over his mouth in surprise, but his camera was still running. 

"I meant to do that," the Doctor said, spotting his phone pointed at her, then started climbing down to reclaim her sonic.


	10. Hello?

Ryan looked down at the sleeping form of his granddad. One of his arms was up above his head and his mouth was slightly agape, letting out quiet snores.

Suppressing a laugh, Ryan unscrewed the cap of his water bottle and quietly moved closer to Graham.

He then poured the water from the bottle onto his granddad's face. He was surprised when he didn't react. Then, Graham started moving, getting up. His eyes were still closed as he moved.

"Hello?" Graham sleepily asked, not phased by the water dripping from his face or soaking his clothes.


	11. What The Fuck, Richard?

Yaz and Ryan were in an artificial field on the TARDIS, playing frisbee. The room was enormous- so big they couldn't see to the other side. They were playing it safe and staying near the door.

Ryan caught the frisbee that Yaz tossed to him and spun around to the vast expanse of the field.

He pulled his arm back and swung, letting go of the frisbee in the process. It flew across the field until eventually it disappeared in the distance.

"What the fuck, Ryan?" Yaz asked with annoyance, rounding on him.


	12. Buenos Dias

The Doctor happily let herself into Ryan and Graham's house and went straight for the closed living room door.

She opened it and saw Ryan and Graham having a cuppa on the sofa. 

"Buenos dias, muchacha latas," she said with a grin, doing some sort of dance-step into the living room. She pulled a speaker out of her bigger on the inside pockets and pressed play. Rock music started playing. 

Both Graham and Ryan face-palmed. This was the fourth time that week that she'd done that.


	13. That's My Opinion!

Ryan glared at Graham, the TARDIS wirring gently on the background, "how do you know what's good for me?!" He shouted to his granddad. 

"THAT'S MY OPINION!" Graham yelled back angrily.

Ryan blinked, The Doctor dropped her custard cream, Yaz choked on thin air. The room delved into awkwardness.


	14. Bro, It's Just a Dream

The Doctor walked up to the Master who was causing havoc on Earth again.

"Bro, I had a dream we fucked," she told him.

"Bro, it's just a dream," he reassured her, fiddling with his world domination device. 

"Huh, I wouldn't fuck you," the Doctor said far-too casually. 

The Master stopped, "you wouldn't?" He asked, looking hurt.

"I mean," the Doctor hesitated, "unless you want to."


	15. You've Got a Big Storm Coming

"Honey," the Doctor said to Krasko in the warehouse, "you've got a big storm coming."

Then, she got into a weak fighting pose to show how serious she was.


	16. SAIL

Graham was playing the keyboard in one of the many TARDIS sitting rooms. He started trying to play that one song that Ryan sometimes listened to. It sounded decent enough.

As he was playing the intro notes, Yaz came into the sitting room and spotted him playing.

She came closer and when he was about to get into it, she hit the keys with her foot.

"SAIL!" She sang loudly as the keyboard fell off its stand and Graham desperately tried to grab it, but ended up falling with it.


	17. I'm Not Finished

Team TARDIS was in the kitchen, making some sort if cake using ingredients that certainly weren't from Earth.

Graham peered into the mixing bowl whilst the Doctor rambled on about some thing or another. The mixture was red for some reason, but the Doctor had assured him it wouldn't look like that when it was finished. 

The mixture bubbled. 

"Uh, Doc," Graham said, interrupting her.

The Doctor whirled around, "uh, I'm not finished," she said, making some sort of gesture with her hand. Graham nodded. 

"Let's get started," the Doctor said, pulling out some flavourings that also didn't look like anythig from Earth.

"We'll have to be careful about this. First off, you-" she started. 

The mixture bubbled again whilst she was speaking. 

"Uh, Doc?" Graham spoke, more urgently this time.

"Oh, my God. Can you let me do what I need to?" The Doctor asked impatiently, not even looking at him this time, but holding a hand up to stop him from talking.


	18. Do You Know What That Means?

Ryan walked up to the Doctor, a smile on his face. The Doctor had agreed to let them all go to McDonald's on Earth. Apparently she'd only been there once and actually quite liked the chicken nuggets, but that was about it. 

Currently, she was leant against the console counting her money to see if she had enough for chicken nuggets. 

"Hey, how much money do you have?" Ryan asked her casually. 

"Uh, like sixty-nine Earth coins," she said, holding out the money in the palm of her hand to show him.

Ryan snorted immaturely, "oh, you know what that means?"

Suddenly the Doctor started crying, "I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets."


End file.
